No Words

 

This post isn’t going to be about something like Writer’s Block. (That’s not something I believe in much, personally. You just push through it by writing. Even if it’s the utmost of garbage. You get the words down one grueling letter at a time.)

No. This is more of a personal post about not being able to get what I want to say out. At all.

I’m a writer, and an introvert. That means I’m great with words when they’re not coming out of my mouth. However, there’s a caveat to that. I can compartmentalize for work, and am in fact pretty solid at stepping up and speaking my mind there. It’s just when things get personal that I get awkward. (I won’t even get into what a mess I am when it comes to things like dealing with family, so I won’t. I might save that for another time altogether, if at all.)

Case in point: I respected how hard one of the staff members at my gym was always cleaning when COVID restrictions eased up and patrons could return. I practiced my words of gratitude in my head several times before I finally walked up to him and thanked him. I tripped over what I said repeatedly, becoming red-faced and mortified. But he seemed appreciative despite my awkwardness. Looking back, I figured it was because I was just too in my own head.

I know overthinking is a problem I have. To be fair, it’s a problem I think other fellow writers, and especially introverts, have. I also have an added layer of childhood trauma I’m trying to work out, as well. It likely ties into the weird amount of embarrassment I have over saying something genuine, good or bad.

It’s not the words that make me voiceless, but the thoughts and feelings behind them. What’s wrong with me if someone doesn’t take something the way I intend? Or what if they do take it the way I intend? Do I open the sluice gate, or keep it shut? Sometimes before I even realize that I’ve made a decision, a stranglehold wraps around my throat.

I shut down, and sometimes mask my actions (with varying degrees of success … mostly none, if I’m being honest). Doing so only causes my anxiety to spike, and then I resort to things like super intense workout sessions or burying myself in work to burn the energy off. It helps momentarily, but it’s a Band-Aid. It gets ripped off and the wound is raw again.

I think that I’m scared that if I try to be vulnerable, I’ll ruin a good thing. One of my fears is oversharing. We’ve all met an oversharer. Does becoming one mean becoming overbearing? Overwhelming? To the point where something is just plain over?

What I have is a fear of judgement now that I’m writing it out.

I actually spoke to an acquaintance I trust (oxymoron, right?) about what’s been on my mind. She helped me realize that sometimes it’s okay to think or feel a certain way and try to work through it. I haven’t done anything wrong or terrible. But I feel like I have. And that makes my overthinking spiral down into Hades’ basement. (I don’t even know what that means, but I’m keeping it.)

For anyone wanting juicy secrets, I won’t be sharing them here. I will, however, be sharing them with a professional who can actually provide me with some guidance. I think that’s the best bet, really. Because I do fear judgement, even if it’s probably a non-issue. And, well, ruining good things with good people.

After writing all of that out, I feel a lot better. Even if it was one grueling letter at a time.

If you stayed for the read, thanks for checking the post out. I hope it resonated in some way. And if not, I guess I hoped you enjoyed learning a little bit more about me.

Disclaimer: I don’t own this image. I don’t know who does, but if you do, or you’re the owner, let me know and I can give credit. Or I can replace it with a poorly-done freehand re-imagining of it in MS Paint, which sounds pretty fun.